The never ending mental battle

It is such a mental battle for me...all or nothing. I need to learn how to accept good and not always demand perfection of myself. Nobody is perfect.

I have known for a while that the mental challenges are the toughest for me and today was no different. There were a lot of things on my mind today before my workout....work stress was the main issue today. Lately I can't forget my constant stress concerning my mom's health. And most recently I have an odd stress that I think has really consumed my brain this past week- I am only 2 lbs from my 200 lb weight loss goal. I've been on this weight loss journey for 2.5 years and I am finally close enough to reach out and grab this huge milestone which will put me that much closer to my goal weight.

The reality is...I won't hit this milestone this week. I really have to truly be prepared for this reality because it is extremely difficult to lose 2 lbs in one week, especially given the fact that I have lost 8 lbs in the past 4 weeks. FYI- that is freaking FAST. Of course, it's not biggest loser standards but I also need to remind myself that I am NOT on the biggest loser and I can NOT lose like they do because I am not working out 8 hours a day. It's better for my body to lose the way I am anyway and I am happy with that.

But...I WANT IT!! When I woke up this morning I had zero appetite. So I ate like a bird, even though I knew I had an hour workout with Emily today because my brain was telling me- don't eat when you aren't hungry. Fat girl's dream, right- no appetite? Heck no, you need to eat to lose weight! Seems so counterproductive but you can't work out without enough fuel in your body....enter exhibit A- my workout today and all of the mental battles I put my poor trainer through.

First off my elbow is flaring up again...which isn't really helping with my stress level. So we did legs, abs, cardio today- all body weight exercises so a ton of squats, lunges, and crunches (all the hardest exercises for me). Enter exhibit B- my ever constant obsession with perfection. I was over analyzing my form to the point that I could NOT stay on the darn bosu ball during the first exercise- squats. If you have ever done bosu squats you know that they are hard, but not as hard as my brain was telling me because my body could do them once I allowed myself to. I literally could not keep my balance worth to save my life because all I could think about was adjusting my form this way or that way and how I needed to do each one perfectly. But, I talked myself through them with Emily's help and by my second set I rocked them out.

And then there was my cardio section....the first 15 minutes section was AWESOME. It was freaking hard because it always Emily pushed me to my limits, but I ran harder, longer and faster than any run I have ever had. Which as she said just means I can't run slower than today again....great...lol. Second 15 minutes...well this is where my major mistake with not fueling my body kicked me really hard. I gulped water before I started running and less than 30 seconds into what should have been a hard but not impossible cardio section my stomach felt like it was turning inside out and all the blood rushed to my head making me feel like I was going to either start throwing up or faint...or both. I got about 15 seconds more into the run before I realized that there was no way I wanted to do either so I hit the stop and regained my senses. I told Emily the reality of this crazy day- I had eaten about 250-300 calories total before the workout which was at 3:30pm. That is obviously NOT enough especially when your heart is beating at 183 bpm (I just had to get that in- holy high heart rate!!).

What happened next I am actually proud of. After recovering and giving myself some positive self talk I started back and did the first pyramid....and then decided I could totally handle another one after about a minute of 4.0 where I had allowed myself to cool down. I could have quit with the dizziness but I didn't give up and I survived 10 minutes of the 15 minute 3 set pyramid! I definitely would not have done that even 4 months ago. This trainer thing is paying off.

So, true biggest loser style, through the pain and anguish I had a breakthrough today with Emily. I really do have an all or nothing personality. This obviously translates into my struggles with weight and my binging as well as my weight loss and fitness regime. When I start struggling with a specific thing I immediately start beating myself up and sometimes it helps...but mainly it just holds me back unless I have somebody telling me I can do it and forces me to- enter my sister and Emily, both awesome at encouraging and cheering me on when all I want to do is collapse onto the floor and quit.

But the king of negative thoughts is centered around my running ability. I thought for a long time that I could NOT run a 12 minute mile and that I would always just be a jogger not a real runner. Then I did, during the first mile of my first 5k race. So....that was just in my head after all. I thought there was NO way I could run at 5.5 mph on the treadmill. Then I did, a month ago with Emily during a killer speed interval workout. Again...my mind games holding me back. Running outside is also nearly impossible for me, but I fought through my head on Thursday and had a solid run outside for the first time in years and it felt great! And last but not least I thought there was no way I could do a 12 minute mile on the treadmill because the only reason I ran that fast during the race was adrenaline- until I did just that today. My self doubt needs to take a hike and leave me alone.

Can you see all these excuses and how they hold me back because I don't believe in myself?! So frustrating! Today Emily said that I will be running at 6.0 mph on the treadmill and that is our new cardio goal to get me comfortable there. My eyes bugged out and my brain started immediately telling me all the reasons why I couldn't run that. And then I realized....that's not that much faster than 5.5 and I CAN do it! I am only 2 lbs away from 200 lbs lost forever- I can do anything!

Goodbye old clothes!

This weekend has been full of fun and activities and some purging of my old life as well.

We were actually in Gettysburg this weekend, and since I finally have friends to hang out with (It took long enough, huh?) Saturday was a blast! Spin class was surprisingly small because apparently the regulars were feeling lazy or had something better to do at 8:45 am on a Saturday morning (I know, what could be better than spin?!) which didn't hamper the overall awesomeness of a totally new set of music. Speaking of which, I finally came out of the closet to my husband last night after drinking a shot of delicious cake vodka (before you get on my case- yes I counted all of the alcohol I drank last night! I'm a good little weight watcher and tracked in my phone right after every drink!).

If you've already heard the rumors they are true- I love Britney Spears!! ::hides::

In reality, I love current pop and hip hop music in general. I know, shocking, right? Not really- it's the best music to workout to! Don't worry, I still enjoy classic rock in the car, but who really wants to listen to the Beatles when you are trying to get yourself pumped up for a hard core workout? If that's what floats your boat, then good for you- but I love some good Pit Bull, LMFAO or Britney Spears any day.

I can honestly say that 2 years ago I never would have admitted this. Sounds ridiculous, but my whole life I have always been so conscious about what others think of me and since most of my friends (and husband) are avid classic rock fans why would I ever tell them that while my favorite band is still 100% the red hot chili peppers- I love Britney and Justin? This exact problem actually cost me a few friendships when I was in middle school. The girls said I was too pliable and that I didn't have my own strong opinions or views (so insightful in 7th grade!). I haven't been that bad since high school- but it's the same basic idea.

So, getting back to the great day now that you know my dirty secret....After spin and a brutal, leg heavy circuit with Emily she told me all about this clothing drive that the boy scouts were doing at the outlets- bring in 10 articles of clothing and get a $10 gift card. SWEET!! So, after stuffing my face with an egg beater, veggie, and turkey sausage omelet (heavenly) and cleaning off the grime of an hour and a half in the gym (not so heavenly) I tackled my closet head on.

Before I knew it I had spent over an hour trying on almost every article of clothing in my closet including shirts, shorts, jeans, skirts, and dresses. I had already decided to donate everything that was too big....which was more than half my closet. Except for my work clothes that is, which I am very diligent about keeping up with my current size- to the dismay of my bank account. By the end of the marathon of shopping my closet, I had bagged up almost 40 articles of clothing. That's not even including several items that I have ear marked for friends or loved ones that are my old size and could use the clothes. Holy overload of big clothes! Believe it or not, I just did this less than a year ago....

The end result- I brought in all 6 grocery bags full of clothes and then immediately used my $10 gift card to buy size L (eek yay!) workout pants at the Adidas outlet. SCORE!

For me, it feels very cathartic to remove all the clothing from my sight that are too big. I've heard of many people that hold onto some of their "fat clothes" just in case they gain the weight back. I REFUSE to gain this weight back. It has been way too hard thus far- too much blood, sweat, and tears have gone into this process of finding myself to just give up now when I can see my goal ahead of me! I am way too stubborn to go backwards in my progress ever again. There is no way I want to let myself tip the scales as high as I did in 2009 or even come close to it. I know that I will have more slip ups and some weekly gains and fluxuations, but I'm confident that I will never have to buy the size clothing I just donated again. I am woman- hear me ROAR!

Last Chance Workout

Today I completed what was probably the hardest workout of my life and survived to tell the tale!

I know what you're thinking- P90X, Insanity, Turbo Fire, Bob Harper's Inside Out Method, or Jillian's 30 day shred? NOPE. And I have done all of those, by the way. :P

It was a circuit from non other than Emily, my trainer. She created it last night and after completing it had this to say about it: "The best kind of workout is the one where you want to puke and/or cry halfway through, but you dig deep and find the motivation to finish." So well said, especially since during this workout I definitely wanted to cry and/or scream a couple times. Or just kill her. That is, if I could just catch my breath long enough to do any of those things. To have the sheer audacity to give me this crazy workout- to actually think I could do this? CRAZY!

Well, obviously she wasn't crazy because I completed it- 2 full rounds of this insane circuit that after 1 round I wanted to throttle her when she said "Ok, let's do that again!" Squats, lunges, cardio, abs and more cardio till I felt like my legs were made of lead....or jello. I'm pretty sure that if I'm able to walk tomorrow it will be a miracle.

The worst part of the workout, which was also the greatest, was the last 15 minutes on the treadmill. I never knew that walking could ever be so close to hell- but try walking 3.7 mph at a 10% incline and then you might understand. My heart rate was up the whole workout- but during those last 15 minutes of each set it stayed steady between 170-176. WOW!

There was a point, about 2 minutes into my second circuit on the treadmill when I wanted to quit. No, quitting is not strong enough. I wanted to kill Emily for thinking I could do this then fall over and join her on the floor. She recognized my change immediately and told me that I was hitting my mental wall. "Push through it, you can do this! Remember, you already did this once before." Of course, my excuses reared their ugly head and I was ready for her "Yeah, but I just did a whole extra circuit before this one....I can't do this!" She went right on encouraging me until I realized what I was doing- making excuses. I have come so far through this journey, and I was not about to let the last 15 minutes of this hour and twenty minute workout beat me. So I jumped the wall and kept right on going. It sucked and it was a brutal 10 minutes but I pushed through it!! When I was able to bring the incline back down and cool off I had a major endorphin high and felt like I was walking on air. Now that is a last chance workout! Without the annoying hassle of humiliating yourself in front of the country on national television.

I definitely owe some major props to Emily today- I have never in my life been pushed like that and gotten over the mental wall of a brutal workout. I've always just stopped before getting to that point. But, today I hit that point and pushed passed it. I'll definitely be sore tomorrow.... yet I can't wait to do it all over again! :)

What happened to the old Colleen? I for one, am glad she's taken a hiatus.

So this is what a good trainer looks like

True motivation comes in many different forms and mysterious ways. Sometimes we hold ourselves back from seeing it because we make excuses for other people, at least that was my problem.

I recently started with a new trainer- and she is fantastic and exactly what I have always looked for but never got with my old trainer. I'm beginning to realize that all he did for me was get me started on a lifting schedule. O yeah, and possibly caused (according to my doctor) a major injury that had me in pain for 4 months and out of normal commission for 6 months. That's what everyone expects out of a personal trainer, right?

The entire time I worked with him I made excuses for him- o well, he has a lot on his plate, that's why he's not paying attention to me. Or- I need to count my reps, that's not his job. Or- I have to ask for new exercises, how is he going to know I'm bored to tears? Or- I don't need him to encourage me or cheer me on, I get that from my friends. Or- I'm in pain and he's telling me to push through it, but I have to trust him because he's my personal trainer. WHAT WAS I THINKING???

Now that I have a REAL personal trainer I understand just how much I was hurting myself by making excuses for him an d "sticking it out" with him. Emily is everything that he was lacking, plus she is somebody that I have always admired for her overall fitness. For the past year I have seen her do different specific exercises that I thought were wicked cool- whether they be on the bosu or medicine ball v-ups and wished that someday I could be that fit and do those cool exercises. Well guess what- that day is almost here! I love that she has me do workouts that she does- it makes me feel like I must be pretty fit because she is in awesome shape. I'm even doing v-up crunches- on the mat and now on the bench (holy scary awesome)-which have always made me run crying in the other direction. Pilates? That's a seriously scary avenue that I never thought I would cross since my first disastrous attempt back in high school.

So, thank you Emily! Because of your support, I have been on a MAJOR roll. Since September 1st, I have lost 13 lbs!! I haven't come close to that pace since the beginning of my weight loss journey. I know that your wicked awesome spin class and great personal training has helped me reach this newest level of motivation for me to keep going on this journey.

Now I just have to keep this momentum going because this time next year I want to be competing in my first half-marathon. Can I do it? YES I CAN!