Helloooo

Wow....I've missed writing lately, and I've made every excuse in the book as to why I didn't want to, couldn't, shouldn't, etc.  nnn

So....the shouldn't part I will explain as best I can because I feel that is a legitimate reason why I havne't posted.  Work has been very....stressful to say the least the past 3 weeks, especially the past 2 weeks or so.  Heck lets be honest- work has been stressful this entire year.  The stress has varied from normal work stress to extreme levels and back down again.   I don't feel comfortable talking about it due to the public nature of this blog but needless to say- I needed to stay away from my blog for a while when I was in the RAAARRR I want to scream stage of my stress so I didn't post something I would regret.



Angry kitty!

Yeah, I didn't want to turn into that monstrosity, sorry. So I was smart and just kept reading all my favorite blogs but dind't post in fear of writing something I would regret or starting a binging spiral.   It's odd how the majority of the time writing is very therapeutic, but sometimes you don't want to get the words out there because they make you face reality.

Well, one reality I have been facing lately is not being able to run.  It's sucked, but my body must have really needed it because it's responding well to the physical therapy.  My physical therapists have me doing a lot of stretches, long held yoga poses, and some strengthening work involving my legs and especially my core.  It's very humbling to find out you are basically a weakling and have crappy core strength even given all the work I have put in to both areas.  Humbling and frustrating.

The PTs have been giving me some running time at the end of my physical therapy sessions and it's not surprising how unsettling it is to run under scrutiny.  Although, having said that- it has been helping .  On Friday Mark had me running on the treadmill for an entire 10 minutes.  Yeah...very short time but that was a build up from my first run with them at 3 minutes.  The run on Friday felt good, like really darn good.  I'm working on so many things associated with my form sometimes it's really hard to keep it all in mind when I'm running.  But, if I just focus on my forward lean and cadence the rest seems to kind of fall into place.

So...that's all for now.  I'm sorry for my crappy posting lately- Hopefully I can find the motivation soon.

We are moved!!

It's official, I am making this post from our new place in Middle River, MD!

I feel like I should post pictures....but the place is a mess with some unpacked areas looking great and some completely a disaster. lol.  We were SO blessed to have a lot of help from some great people!  Tommy, Butch and Phil helped in Gettysburg- all guys that Adrian worked with at the Gettysburg Times.  They were awesome and really knew how to pack a truck!  Alex and Jen C helped in Middle River and my parents also brought over the mini-van load of stuff they had at the farm.

Rewind to Thursday....Had major issues getting a UHaul truck.  I blamed them hardcore and bitched and moaned about being put on a waiting list- but really it was mostly my fault because we reserved only 2 weeks ahead of time.  I normally am more of a planner- but we changed the date we were moving, which is why the reservation was so late.  The thing that upset me about the whole process was why are you confirming my reservation if you don't really have a truck for me to use?  Why not tell me that up front they don't guarantee pickup time and location? wtf?!  After a lot of stress and freaking out, we finally were given a truck to use at 9am on Friday after I made some waves with customer service.  We had to drive about 30 miles each way to pick up a new truck through back country roads so it added almost 2 hours (including pickup) to our day. But I was able to get an extra free 80 miles added to our contract so we didn't have to pay for it.  They were going to make us pay for each extra mile and I made the free miles happen. lol.  Please don't think I'm one of those crazy yelling/nasty people with customer service- just the opposite.  That is what gets results. :)

Seriously, they suck.  Never again, U-Haul.

So....once we got the truck,  it went quickly and the guys were awesome and super fast! We headed to our new place where we had to sign all the final paperwork and get our keys. That took longer than we were expecting but eventually we got into the town house and started the unloading with Jen C.  Jen KICKED ASS.  Like holy crap, she was awesome! (as if you could expect anything less from my bff)

We were very nervous about the cable setup apt, especially since they were supposed to show up between 1-3 and we got to the complex about 2:30pm due to the delay in the truck pickup.  But all was good because he arrived a little after 3:00pm, just when we were starting to unload the truck. So everything worked out and we have cable and internet (o yeah, and a useless phone line that I still need to buy a phone for...).

I had just gone to pick up a new bed frame for our bed, because our old one had broken, when Alex arrived.  At the perfect time according to my darling and exhausted husband. My parents arrived about the same time as well with their mini-van full of stuff they had stored for us for a couple weeks to make our move easier.

After some showers all the way around, we got dinner at a great little Chinese/Japanese place we found that surprisingly had several "diet entrees."  Sweeet! 

Saturday Adrian and I went back to Gettysburg to clean the old place.  And holy cow, was it an ordeal!  An exhausting and stressful ordeal, especially trying to fit everything left (how was there still so much?!) into our two cars plus bring back the professional carpet cleaner back to the grocery store. Somehow we did it....and in the process I lost my keys.  Of course I flipped the crap out and we searched the whole place to no avail.  Luckily Adrian had an extra key for my car so we could get back home.  We found the lost keys when we got home and were unpacking the cars.  They had somehow ended up in a bag with random stuff.  Blah.

And then we had to get ready for my 10 year high school reunion....which definitely deserves it's own post. To come later....Thanks again everyone for your help!!

Sweet wonderful workouts

Exercise is now such a big part of my life, I have a hard time imagining life without it. During my interview with Jenna from the Gettysburg Times, she asked me to expand more on it when I said something along those lines and it made me remember how key it is to my happiness.

Friends, family, and fellow ww members ask me frequently how I have enough time to workout.  Having too busy a life and "not enough time to work out" is the #1 excuse people use.  They mention that it must be because I don't have kids and my job gives me flexibility so I must have more free time. That must be why I workout so much!

It's true, I don't have kids and I'm sure that makes it worlds easier than a busy mom or dad but my job sometimes makes it nearly impossible to work out.  I really enjoy my job (when I'm not completely stressed out by it), but I travel a lot.  In fact, there was a time that I would be gone an entire week at least once a month in Pittsburgh, or some other city at a conference. Staying at a hotel.  With a crappy hotel gym.  Not ideal conditions, people.

And guess what? I still worked out.  Some days it was just 30 minutes on an elliptical or stationary bike, but I didn't let the crappy gym or fact that I was completely exhausted from work and traveling all over to keep me from working out.  Even 100 lbs heavier ago I felt that I HAD to get my butt into the gym.  Then it was more about losing weight and burning calories, but I felt the pull to exercise, whatever the reason. And I MAKE time.  If it is important enough to you, you will make it happen.  Adrian can attest that some days I get up at 5:30am so I can workout before work (he probably thinks I have lost my mind these mornings).  Other days I go straight to the gym after work and change there so I won't allow any excuses to get in the way when I get home.  Adrian has heard me say before "I'm sorry hunny, I need to get to the gym before I come home or I won't go."  Thank my lucky stars he has always been so supportive of me. <3

 Friday was stressful for me.  Jenna called me asking if they could put my heaviest weight (and current weight) into the article.  I literally stuttered and panicked my way through a "can I think about it and call you back?"  After nearly having a panic attack while driving on I-695 (not a good place for this to happen, take my word for it), my body went to I NEED TO WORKOUT. GIVE ME ENDORPHINS NOW!!   Ironically, this made me calm down almost immediately because my mind did not go to I NEED COMFORT! FEED ME! and it made me insanely happy that the binge monster was still passed out in the basement.

I called my darling husband and asked him a tough question that I know he didn't want to answer but he is just awesome so he did.  "As a reporter would you want to have my weight in the story?"  Of course, his answer was yes.  So needless to say, my weight got into the story and I'm glad it did.

Having said that.....from the moment after I gave Jenna my before and current weight and the go ahead I felt like a complete nervous wreck.  How harshly would people judge me? What would they think about how I got to that weight? You can imagine where else my imagination took me over the hour drive home.

Needless to say, I got home and drug my exhausted and stressed body to the Y.  My plan was 30 minutes of hills on the stationary bike then about 30 minutes of strength training.  Well.....I was so anxious about the article coming out the next day, I couldn't drag myself away from my comfort zone.  After about 90 minutes on the bike I finally staggered off and started my planned strength training routine.  I was so exhausted I had to do jumping jacks before traveling lunges to get me pumped up enough to do them and I repeated this pump up routine before several exercises so that I wouldn't flat out quit on myself.

I finally left the gym 2.5 hours after arriving.  I did do a nice 15 minutes of stretching because 90 minutes on the stationary bike then almost an hour of squats and lunges will make your legs ache and tight.  I also made my abs go into full muscle spasm by putting them through 2 sets of 20 reps of passovers (if you have never done these, they are like sweet death to your lower abs), leg lifts, bicycles, bench v-crunches and ball crunches.  My abs are still thanking me for the sweet torture, especially after an Emily workout today with some more.

Now a days I don't feel complete without a good sweat.  When I get stressed for any reason, my body craves the powerful and sweet release of endorphins that comes from a hard workout.  FINALLY my body does not crave food.  I couldn't feel more relieved that I have been able to train my body away from needing food to comfort me.  Of course there are some days that my binge monster rears her ugly head and demands that I eat an entire bag of chips or a giant candy bar.  That doesn't mean I have to listen to her though!

The never ending mental battle

It is such a mental battle for me...all or nothing. I need to learn how to accept good and not always demand perfection of myself. Nobody is perfect.

I have known for a while that the mental challenges are the toughest for me and today was no different. There were a lot of things on my mind today before my workout....work stress was the main issue today. Lately I can't forget my constant stress concerning my mom's health. And most recently I have an odd stress that I think has really consumed my brain this past week- I am only 2 lbs from my 200 lb weight loss goal. I've been on this weight loss journey for 2.5 years and I am finally close enough to reach out and grab this huge milestone which will put me that much closer to my goal weight.

The reality is...I won't hit this milestone this week. I really have to truly be prepared for this reality because it is extremely difficult to lose 2 lbs in one week, especially given the fact that I have lost 8 lbs in the past 4 weeks. FYI- that is freaking FAST. Of course, it's not biggest loser standards but I also need to remind myself that I am NOT on the biggest loser and I can NOT lose like they do because I am not working out 8 hours a day. It's better for my body to lose the way I am anyway and I am happy with that.

But...I WANT IT!! When I woke up this morning I had zero appetite. So I ate like a bird, even though I knew I had an hour workout with Emily today because my brain was telling me- don't eat when you aren't hungry. Fat girl's dream, right- no appetite? Heck no, you need to eat to lose weight! Seems so counterproductive but you can't work out without enough fuel in your body....enter exhibit A- my workout today and all of the mental battles I put my poor trainer through.

First off my elbow is flaring up again...which isn't really helping with my stress level. So we did legs, abs, cardio today- all body weight exercises so a ton of squats, lunges, and crunches (all the hardest exercises for me). Enter exhibit B- my ever constant obsession with perfection. I was over analyzing my form to the point that I could NOT stay on the darn bosu ball during the first exercise- squats. If you have ever done bosu squats you know that they are hard, but not as hard as my brain was telling me because my body could do them once I allowed myself to. I literally could not keep my balance worth to save my life because all I could think about was adjusting my form this way or that way and how I needed to do each one perfectly. But, I talked myself through them with Emily's help and by my second set I rocked them out.

And then there was my cardio section....the first 15 minutes section was AWESOME. It was freaking hard because it always Emily pushed me to my limits, but I ran harder, longer and faster than any run I have ever had. Which as she said just means I can't run slower than today again....great...lol. Second 15 minutes...well this is where my major mistake with not fueling my body kicked me really hard. I gulped water before I started running and less than 30 seconds into what should have been a hard but not impossible cardio section my stomach felt like it was turning inside out and all the blood rushed to my head making me feel like I was going to either start throwing up or faint...or both. I got about 15 seconds more into the run before I realized that there was no way I wanted to do either so I hit the stop and regained my senses. I told Emily the reality of this crazy day- I had eaten about 250-300 calories total before the workout which was at 3:30pm. That is obviously NOT enough especially when your heart is beating at 183 bpm (I just had to get that in- holy high heart rate!!).

What happened next I am actually proud of. After recovering and giving myself some positive self talk I started back and did the first pyramid....and then decided I could totally handle another one after about a minute of 4.0 where I had allowed myself to cool down. I could have quit with the dizziness but I didn't give up and I survived 10 minutes of the 15 minute 3 set pyramid! I definitely would not have done that even 4 months ago. This trainer thing is paying off.

So, true biggest loser style, through the pain and anguish I had a breakthrough today with Emily. I really do have an all or nothing personality. This obviously translates into my struggles with weight and my binging as well as my weight loss and fitness regime. When I start struggling with a specific thing I immediately start beating myself up and sometimes it helps...but mainly it just holds me back unless I have somebody telling me I can do it and forces me to- enter my sister and Emily, both awesome at encouraging and cheering me on when all I want to do is collapse onto the floor and quit.

But the king of negative thoughts is centered around my running ability. I thought for a long time that I could NOT run a 12 minute mile and that I would always just be a jogger not a real runner. Then I did, during the first mile of my first 5k race. So....that was just in my head after all. I thought there was NO way I could run at 5.5 mph on the treadmill. Then I did, a month ago with Emily during a killer speed interval workout. Again...my mind games holding me back. Running outside is also nearly impossible for me, but I fought through my head on Thursday and had a solid run outside for the first time in years and it felt great! And last but not least I thought there was no way I could do a 12 minute mile on the treadmill because the only reason I ran that fast during the race was adrenaline- until I did just that today. My self doubt needs to take a hike and leave me alone.

Can you see all these excuses and how they hold me back because I don't believe in myself?! So frustrating! Today Emily said that I will be running at 6.0 mph on the treadmill and that is our new cardio goal to get me comfortable there. My eyes bugged out and my brain started immediately telling me all the reasons why I couldn't run that. And then I realized....that's not that much faster than 5.5 and I CAN do it! I am only 2 lbs away from 200 lbs lost forever- I can do anything!

I'm not actually hungry but my brain doesn't know that

Ever had that feeling like you could eat everything in your house? If you answered no to that, I'm just going to assume that you aren't human.

For everyone else- I'm curious how everyone else handles this- please respond with your helpful hints because I could use them!

I tried all my standard tactics....obviously I had dinner first and drank plenty of water and waited a good 30+ minutes after I was done dinner before I even considered entering the kitchen again. Usually this kicks my binge desire in the bud because I actually allow my brain to catch up with my stomach- what a novel thought!

30 minutes later and I still feel like I could devour everything that isn't nailed down. So, I had a little bit of my go-to craving solver- 1 serving of baked tostitos scoops with salsa (yum yum yum) along with an apple and felt a little better. To distract myself further I ripped my 3 new CDs that y'all will either cheer or point and laugh at me for. "NOW that's what I call music"- volumes 38, 39, and 40. I never looked at these albums before because I thought they were just for teeny boppers...until I was in Walmart today and realized that I liked every single one of the 20 songs on each one and they were only $12. HECK YEAH! So now I finally have some decent workout music. RHCP, I still love you, but sometimes you just plain suck to run or lift to and I want some Britney and Pit Bull.

So...I came here to further distract myself from further binge damage. This past week has been really stressful with my mom receiving some bad test results but it's calmed down a little bit because today the oncologist feels we can wait another month to recheck blood work and the CT scan and then go the surgery and chemo route. At least this way we can celebrate the holidays together before she goes into another round of terrible cancer crap...such a relief.

Ever since I got a scary text from her Thursday afternoon I have gone through a roller coaster of emotions and honestly can't believe I came out the other side 2 lbs lighter. I can thank my friends for that - I truly do have the best friends on the planet and I am SO lucky. After all who else would listen to my rantings and complaining and then stay on the phone with me for an hour and a half just so I didn't run to McDs and binge? Or talk to me for an hour and check on me every day even though they were sick (hugs to Jen). That's dedication because everyone knows I can TALK. I wanted to binge my brains out Thursday on my way home from a work seminar that didn't have me leaving White Marsh until 9:00 pm....yeah insanity. Thank goodness for Kevin for talking me off the ledge and letting me rant like a lunatic, although I know I could have called many others and they would have given me the same support and have in the past <3

Three years ago I wouldn't have even stopped to pick up the phone to ask for help...I would have driven directly to the nearest fast food joint and shamefully binged in seclusion, cried, felt guilty about my binge and the cycle would have continued the next day. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Straight to fat jail for me in the form of a food binge. But not now!! I have control of my own life.

And in some good news....Jen and I went shopping at the White Marsh mall yesterday and it was a BLAST! It's really amazing to be able to shop in the same stores as my fit friends FINALLY and be able to just try on cute party dresses because you want to and not burst into a puddle of pathetic fat girl tears because you can't find anything that fits. I've been there so many times before and felt so left out and miserable but that has come to an end.

I love how this dress looked and it made me feel awesome- but not enough to part with $100 for it- so here's a picture! Now looking at it I see all these flaws but I don't care because it's a size 16 and I haven't worn that dress size since I can remember. And this thing was FITTED. Happy day at Macy's!

I can't believe I just put it out there to the world my dress size, but I am damn proud of that and you better believe I will be shouting it to the world when I am a size 10!!