Run for Boston

Did anyone else do this today?  All the local running stores were holding "Run for Boston," some silent runs.  It's been a week since the tragedy happened and somehow I still feel sick to my stomach every time I hear about it or think about it.

It's interesting how sometimes your friends know you better than you know yourself.... This weekend Adrian was busy with work on Saturday night and I could just picture a major binge happening if I didn't stay away from my house.  After a great horseback ride with my mom (the first ride since my surgery!! Wahooo!!), I met up with some friends for sushi.  I got this really tasty, banana roll that had eel and you guessed it- banana! It was like a desert roll and DELICIOUS.  So glad a friend suggested, and that I have been converted to sushi and the deliciousness it offers :)

yummy!

After dinner, we headed over to a friend's place for some games.  Before we got started, I was sharing with Jen all the crap that's been loading on me lately.  I can't talk about it on here because of confidentiality, but it's really been causing me added stress.  And then I just can't seem to stop thinking about what happened in Boston and how screwed up it is.  If coverage is on tv I get sucked in BAD, so I've been trying not to even watch tv.  But Jen nailed it on the head exactly what I couldn't quite put words to before-  these runners, who run the Boston marathon, who were so tragically affected by this tragedy.....they are my "heroes."  They are people I look up to on a real level, not just some fictional character from far away or in a comic book.  It's been a goal of mine for at least a year to complete a marathon.  The idea of competing at Boston is a huge dream of mine....to be that good to qualify to get there- wow!!  Definitely something I look up to and admire to all those that accomplish that goal of competing in Boston.  So, it just hit me harder than I would have thought because it's just too close to home, too close to a dream.

Having said that, I have never felt stronger before that I WANT to run Boston.  Even if it takes me 20 years, I WILL run Boston.  Because I'm a fighter.  When I struggle, I don't just take it laying down.  I stand up and fight against people or things that are trying to hold me- just like the people in Boston.  I run for Boston.

Tough week

This week has been....good in some ways and terrible in others.

Work is good....there's potential for it to be majorly good soon and make my daily work life happier- but not sure yet.  I can't talk about it anymore than that just in case somebody from work reads this.  But what I can talk about is that I was in Pittsburgh this week for a meeting and some hospital visits.

First off, security has been tighter (duh) and at BWI on Tuesday they actually grilled me a bit on my drivers license- it was interesting.  I also had to show it and my boarding pass to at least 3 separate people.  Normally once you show it once, they tell you to put it away until you get to your gate, so that was interesting.  Security in Pittsburgh was nothing different and went smoothly today.  What didn't go smoothly- my darn flight is delayed....like majorly.  I should be at my house by now, typing this post from my cozy couch.  But instead, I'm sitting in the airport waiting through this 2.5+ hour delay.....yeah.  My flight was supposed to take off at 5:55pm, It's new estimated departure time is 8:40 make that 8:55pm!!! As I was about to finish this entry, it got delayed AGAIN.  So....that's a 3 hour delay!  I hope it doesn't get worse....

Ok so the bad part about this week.....I have been in a FUNK.  A bad funk, that seems to take over my senses when it comes to food and exercise choices.  I have some examples (duh):

1.  Tuesday's dinner was good- a simply grill half portion of tilapia from Red Lobster with double brocolli and a side salad.  And then....they had to throw in 3 of their sinful garlic biscuits into my to-go bag. THREE!!  The devils!  So what did I do?  Of course, I ate them all.  Like...savored every single crumb.  It was pathetic.  It's been at least a year since I went that biscuit crazy!

sinfully delicious

2.  After picking up my dinner on Tuesday (before I knew about the biscuits), I decided I deserved a treat to go with my healthy dinner.  There were fresh baked peanut butter cookies in the lobby.  Did I get 1?  No, I went for 2 of those delectable creations.  Even after the biscuit episode, I chowed down like they were the last cookies known on the planet.

Just try and resist me!

3. Tuesday....yeah it just keeps piling on.  I didn't work out. At all.  I had plenty of time when I got done with my hospital visits and got checked into my hotel.  I kept putting it off, then was going to work out after dinner.  But after the biscuits and cookies my head said- why workout you crazy woman?  Instead I did this:

Hello TV!

4.  I woke up Wednesday ready to burn off the binge that was last night.  I get on the treadmill nice and early with plenty of time for a run, I warm up....and then I just...don't run.  I honestly can't explain it.  Somewhere during my warmup I got it into my head that I should just do an incline walking workout.  It's not that this is a bad workout, don't get me wrong....but I just stuffed my face with MAJOR calories the night before and I needed to run.  I promised myself I would get another workout in after my meeting.  (If you think I did, you must be outside your mind at this point).

5.  Wednesday night, as if the Tuesday night fiasco was not enough, I ordered out from Olive Garden. My favorite low calorie meal there is awesome, and under 10 Points Plus.  I meant to ask for no bread but forgot....so they gave me FOUR breadsticks.  FOUR.  WHY WOULD ONE PERSON NEED FOUR BREADSTICKS?!!?  I started with just 1....then something took over my body and demanded I eat another one...and another one before I came to my senses and poured water on the last one and threw it in the trash.  Ridiculous Colleen, ridiculous.  My stomach turned and made crazy noises the entire night while my entire digestive system revolted.  There was no getting on the treadmill now because I was back and forth from the bathroom the majority of the night.  Fantastic.

me likey breadsticks!

Today I snapped out of it and was on the elliptical for 70 minutes. Then did a solid 10 minutes of hard abs. BAM!!  I felt like I was back for the first time since the bombs went off in Boston.  I've felt slightly zombie like since then, but that hard and heavy sweat finally broke whatever was going on in my head.  During this enormous wait at the airport, I spent the first 30 minutes just walking the airport.  It was great.  I felt like I was back to my normal self.  I also went to a weight watchers meeting today, which helped my head get back in the game.

Ok....time to head over for boarding soon so I'm signing off.  Hope everyone got to enjoy some nice weather today- it was 85 in Pittsburgh today!


What do you do to snap out of a funk?

Trip to Portland

This past week I have been in Portland, which is why I haven't posted in a while, so let me catch y'all up...

I was in Portland all week for work and LOVED the weather (never got above 80 degrees and no humidity), and got to work with great people, as per usual.  Of course, as during all these trips, there was a lot of work related stress that fed my need to exercise.  Unfortunately, I wasn't really able to workout as much as I wanted to, which is another norm during work events. 

The hardest part of these long trips is the food, no questions.  There is always too much everywhere and very few good choices.  So I overloaded with fruit (apples, oranges, and bananas, how boring!) to keep me from eating non-stop M&Ms.  There was so much trail mix and M&Ms, it was overwhelming.  Mars candy is always plentiful at work events because they are our parent company, so this is not going to change, I just have to learn to deal with chocolate everywhere! lol
 

Who doesn't love M&Ms?

So, Tuesday I arrived at the hotel and did a hard core snoopy dance when I found out they had a FOAM ROLLER and MASSAGE STICK!!!  When I saw those in the little hotel gym, my left hamstring was literally tied up in knots and I was limping.  Darn sitting on a plane all day will do that to you.  So I walked, stretched and foam rolled/massaged for almost half an hour and was able to walk it out enough to get a 2 mile run in.  In beautiful 65 degree weather.  It was awesome!  There is proof in the pudding on foam rollers and why I will continue to roll every day.  Also realized when rolling that my IT band was where the majority of my tension was.  If you have never rolled this area or any area that you are tight before...hold onto your britches cause it HURTS. If you are a baby like me there might be tears, groaning, and cursing at the foam roller.  Then you will kiss and make up because you will feel better.  This was nowhere near as bad as that one time my calves were so tight that foam rolling made me actually yell and cry.  Adrian seemed quite worried as I rolled around on the floor of our living room in agony.

So freaking true....and that is one hard core roller!

So in preparation for a long run the next day, I went back to the gym after dinner and walked, stretched, and foam rolled for another half an hour at least.  Wednesday morning I woke up feeling like a freaking rock star, no joke!

So I went out and ran 5.5 glorious, pain free miles. Temperature when I left the hotel: 47 degrees F.  On June 20.  HELL YES!!!  I ran on this beautiful bike/running paved trail right on the riverfront. Literally.  The river was actually just a pile of rocks away, down a little bank.  It was no doubt one of the most beautiful runs I have ever had the joy to experience.  Not only was the temperature PERFECT for a nice run, but the sun was just starting to peak over the horizon and there were birds were chirping and playing in the water.  Seriously picturesque, people.

For dinner that night, we took the scenic route to Multnomah Falls in Bridal Veil, Oregon.  It took us through the mountains and gorge and it was completely worth it, even though it added about 30 minutes to the drive when we were all starving and exhausted.  Supposedly it's the tallest year-round waterfall in the country.  I REALLY wanted to hike up to that bridge in the picture but nobody else in my group did so alas, we headed into the lodge in front of the falls for dinner.  And dinner was DELICIOUS!  I got the petite filet with double veggies and a side salad.  The bread was also to die for and we demolished it as a group quickly because we were all starving.  I had the running munchies and bad, but I am glad I made the right choice instead of the pecan crusted salmon that I really wanted. Just too much fat with the salmon and pecan crusting!

beautiful Multnomah falls in OR

So the smartest thing I did during the 3 days spent sitting basically the whole day- I wore my compression socks all day, every day.  I washed them each night in the sink and they made SUCH a difference- no hamstring tightness even with all the sitting, including the TERRIBLE plane ride home.

Thursday I warmed up on the elliptical and then powered through an awesome full body strength training workout and a long stretch and foam roll/massage stick afterwards.  I might just need to pick myself up a massage stick, it was a nice addition to rolling.  Thursday night's dinner was a disaster of epic proportions, particular the portions of the food I ate.  We were all mega stressed after a bad day and we went out as a huge group.  With about 8 appetizers ordered, it was overwhelming and we were all so hungry, so we feasted.  I ordered the most delicious veggie burger ever with a side salad so my dinner was very smart- just not what I ate before hand.  I tried to count everything but I am quite annoyed at myself for this dinner.  And the trail mix I had earlier in the day, too.  If I gain this week on the scale- it will be because of this day, no doubt about it.

Friday I took a very purposeful rest day since I knew I would A- be up until 2am the next day traveling home and walking a lot in the airport. B- then would be running the Spirit of Gettysburg 5k on very little sleep.(Race recap to come soon)  C- desperately needed the extra sleep after a late and stressful day.

Friday night's trip home was a nightmare.  Friday morning I got a call from the airline that my flight from Chicago, Midway to BWI was delayed 2 hours (REALLY ALREADY?!), what a terrible way to start your day.  In the end it ended up being delayed about an hour, which wasn't too terrible because I got to have a nice sit-down dinner (fish and veggies) with a work friend and I walked around the airport for 30 minutes to make up for the rest day. The sucky part came once we landed in Baltimore.  First, we circled the airport for 15 minutes before landing.  Then we had to sit on the tarmac for 20 minutes more before getting to our gate. THEN we waited for 45 MINUTES for the luggage to come through the carousel.  SERIOUSLY?!?!  Of course, my luggage was last to come out, and then I had to wait another 15 minutes for a shuttle to my car.  I actually almost broke down in tears while waiting for the luggage, I was so exhausted and frustrated and knew I had an hour+ drive home.

And then.....about 30 minutes from home, I got pulled over and got a ticket for speeding.  SERIOUSLY?!  I had been so careful up to that point.  I kept setting my cruise control so I wouldn't let my lead foot take over and the one time I didn't, I got nailed. GARRRRHHHH.

So I finally got home at 3:30 AM.  My darling husband was so happy to see me, even though I couldn't have been grumpier and just wanted to head straight to bed since I was waking up in a little over 3 hours.

More to come about my weekend, which was FANTASTIC!!

The never ending mental battle

It is such a mental battle for me...all or nothing. I need to learn how to accept good and not always demand perfection of myself. Nobody is perfect.

I have known for a while that the mental challenges are the toughest for me and today was no different. There were a lot of things on my mind today before my workout....work stress was the main issue today. Lately I can't forget my constant stress concerning my mom's health. And most recently I have an odd stress that I think has really consumed my brain this past week- I am only 2 lbs from my 200 lb weight loss goal. I've been on this weight loss journey for 2.5 years and I am finally close enough to reach out and grab this huge milestone which will put me that much closer to my goal weight.

The reality is...I won't hit this milestone this week. I really have to truly be prepared for this reality because it is extremely difficult to lose 2 lbs in one week, especially given the fact that I have lost 8 lbs in the past 4 weeks. FYI- that is freaking FAST. Of course, it's not biggest loser standards but I also need to remind myself that I am NOT on the biggest loser and I can NOT lose like they do because I am not working out 8 hours a day. It's better for my body to lose the way I am anyway and I am happy with that.

But...I WANT IT!! When I woke up this morning I had zero appetite. So I ate like a bird, even though I knew I had an hour workout with Emily today because my brain was telling me- don't eat when you aren't hungry. Fat girl's dream, right- no appetite? Heck no, you need to eat to lose weight! Seems so counterproductive but you can't work out without enough fuel in your body....enter exhibit A- my workout today and all of the mental battles I put my poor trainer through.

First off my elbow is flaring up again...which isn't really helping with my stress level. So we did legs, abs, cardio today- all body weight exercises so a ton of squats, lunges, and crunches (all the hardest exercises for me). Enter exhibit B- my ever constant obsession with perfection. I was over analyzing my form to the point that I could NOT stay on the darn bosu ball during the first exercise- squats. If you have ever done bosu squats you know that they are hard, but not as hard as my brain was telling me because my body could do them once I allowed myself to. I literally could not keep my balance worth to save my life because all I could think about was adjusting my form this way or that way and how I needed to do each one perfectly. But, I talked myself through them with Emily's help and by my second set I rocked them out.

And then there was my cardio section....the first 15 minutes section was AWESOME. It was freaking hard because it always Emily pushed me to my limits, but I ran harder, longer and faster than any run I have ever had. Which as she said just means I can't run slower than today again....great...lol. Second 15 minutes...well this is where my major mistake with not fueling my body kicked me really hard. I gulped water before I started running and less than 30 seconds into what should have been a hard but not impossible cardio section my stomach felt like it was turning inside out and all the blood rushed to my head making me feel like I was going to either start throwing up or faint...or both. I got about 15 seconds more into the run before I realized that there was no way I wanted to do either so I hit the stop and regained my senses. I told Emily the reality of this crazy day- I had eaten about 250-300 calories total before the workout which was at 3:30pm. That is obviously NOT enough especially when your heart is beating at 183 bpm (I just had to get that in- holy high heart rate!!).

What happened next I am actually proud of. After recovering and giving myself some positive self talk I started back and did the first pyramid....and then decided I could totally handle another one after about a minute of 4.0 where I had allowed myself to cool down. I could have quit with the dizziness but I didn't give up and I survived 10 minutes of the 15 minute 3 set pyramid! I definitely would not have done that even 4 months ago. This trainer thing is paying off.

So, true biggest loser style, through the pain and anguish I had a breakthrough today with Emily. I really do have an all or nothing personality. This obviously translates into my struggles with weight and my binging as well as my weight loss and fitness regime. When I start struggling with a specific thing I immediately start beating myself up and sometimes it helps...but mainly it just holds me back unless I have somebody telling me I can do it and forces me to- enter my sister and Emily, both awesome at encouraging and cheering me on when all I want to do is collapse onto the floor and quit.

But the king of negative thoughts is centered around my running ability. I thought for a long time that I could NOT run a 12 minute mile and that I would always just be a jogger not a real runner. Then I did, during the first mile of my first 5k race. So....that was just in my head after all. I thought there was NO way I could run at 5.5 mph on the treadmill. Then I did, a month ago with Emily during a killer speed interval workout. Again...my mind games holding me back. Running outside is also nearly impossible for me, but I fought through my head on Thursday and had a solid run outside for the first time in years and it felt great! And last but not least I thought there was no way I could do a 12 minute mile on the treadmill because the only reason I ran that fast during the race was adrenaline- until I did just that today. My self doubt needs to take a hike and leave me alone.

Can you see all these excuses and how they hold me back because I don't believe in myself?! So frustrating! Today Emily said that I will be running at 6.0 mph on the treadmill and that is our new cardio goal to get me comfortable there. My eyes bugged out and my brain started immediately telling me all the reasons why I couldn't run that. And then I realized....that's not that much faster than 5.5 and I CAN do it! I am only 2 lbs away from 200 lbs lost forever- I can do anything!