Friday, June 1, 2012

My biggest fear

Those that know me well know what this post is going to be about.  The dreaded fear that I have of reverting back to "old Colleen" and gaining the weight back.

This past Wednesday I blurted out at the end of my weight watchers meeting that I was moving in a month.  I really wanted to tell the meeting this week, with Joni there, but she wasn't and I blurted it out anyway when the visiting leader asked if anyone had any upcoming challenges.  I am going to try to still come to the Gettysburg Wednesday meetings as often as possible but I also need to find a meeting in White Marsh that will work for me.  And knowing how awesome weight watchers is, I'm sure I will be able to find one I can fit into and feel comfortable in.  I still want to hit lifetime in Gettysburg....Joni and the team there have just been too important for my journey to not have them involved in such a big milestone.

So, having said all that, I am scared.

I am scared of not reaching goal....of reverting back to the miserable quivering mess of a human being I was just 3 years ago.  I don't want to go back or even close to that person ever again.  Upon seeing my article, my mom made a comment about my before picture saying something along the lines of "Why did you use this picture? You never looked this large, this picture is deceiving."  Actually mom, that was after I had lost a few pounds.  She remarked that it is hard to remember me like that because I have been fit for so long.  In reality, I've only been REALLY working at this for 2.5 years.  That's such a short period of time in the span of your life if you think about it.

Going along this journey, I've been trying to reach my goal weight in small steps, because how else can you look at having to lose 250+ lbs? It was sometimes so overwhelming I would just break down completely and cry.  I mean full blown hysterical, ugly and snotty tears that sometimes would lead to the binge monster rearing her ugly head and convincing me that having half a bag of baked chips or a giant candy bar is no big deal.  Other times it would lead me to call a close friend, or my sister and they would help me get through it.  Once I called a friend on the way home from a brutal work day and he literally talked me off the fast food binge ledge as I had a complete panic attack on the side of the road because I was craving so badly my hands were shaking.  He then talked to me for almost 2 hours so I didn't have to be alone in my car driving home and thinking about food. I have such a great support system :D

All along I have heard over and over again "Wait till you get to maintenance, it's even harder than losing."  FYI- I HATE hearing this.  Sometimes it is literally the hardest thing to take, even harder than being surrounded by people eating fast food or my favorite candy. This feeds my fear like gasoline on a forest fire.  If losing is this hard how can I possibly maintain?

Lately it has gotten more comfortable because I am truly out of a diet mentality and have changed my lifestyle.  I don't crave certain foods in the same way I used to and sometimes I go an entire week without having any processed food just because I want to eat as clean as possible because it feels better.  I haven't had alcohol in weeks...maybe months simply because I don't want to put the toxins in my body, or waste calories on

I think (at least I hope) that I am past all those terrifying feelings and binging reactions.  Endorphin release in the form of exercise is really so much better than the brief good feelings you get from eating the food you like.  And as aptly demonstrated so many times over, I have a GREAT support system!  I just need to keep remembering that when I am struggling.


  1. Think of it this way, you've been living this totally new lifestyle for nearly half your adult life already :-)

  2. As trite as it sounds, it's truly one day at a time. While it's necessary and important to have future goals it can also be totally overwhelming. Today you are amazing. Let tomorrow take care of itself. You are a strong person, Colleen. I imagine putting one foot in front of the other, one pound at a time, it how you got to where you are now.